Spiritual Emergence and the Unraveling of Self

I’ve never shared this side of my story before.

In 2010 I had a spiritual emergency, my sense of self shattered into fragments, and the cracks revealed to me a world that is far more expansive, divergent, and communicative than I had ever realized. I could see beyond the veil of the everyday. This might sound strange to some, but I was able to enter into multidimensional universes with many multilayered complex patterns. I could hear and see stories of what had been and what was yet to come. Experiencing ‘delusions’ of grandeur catapulted me into spaces, within the earth and beyond. I am still, and will probably forever be, processing, integrating and understanding as I continue to heal, learn and evolve.

Seen through the lens of Jacques Lacan’s psychology, what I experienced was a “collapse of the ego.” This unraveling occurs when the delicate equilibrium of the ego, id, and superego is disrupted. In his framework the ego serves as a mediator between the internal desires of the id and the external demands of society represented by the superego.

The collapse of the ego is a transformative moment where the boundaries of the self blur, exposing us to the raw and unfiltered aspects of the psyche. When this happens, social conditioning and habitual patterns are peeled away, revealing the underlying structures of consciousness itself.

Unfortunately with our modern day ‘civilized’ society, with its rules and systems in place, I wasn’t able to fully move through this process in a safe space when it was happening and therefore missed opportunities to be with what was urging to be witnessed. 

Synchronistically, a few weeks after my first hospitalization, I began to study the work of Lacan through Zizek through a contemporary sculpture course with one of my all time favourite professors Brian Grosskurth IYKYK.

I don’t have all of the answers yet, they are still slowly coming to me as I continue to immerse myself in deep spiritual work and learning about the systemic history of mental health; grassroots movements; the intersectionality of racism, sexism, ableism and mental health; the incredible work that others with lived-experience are doing through community-based peer-led practices; as well as through my evolving work in my 1:1 mentorship program No More Mind Games.

What I like about Lacan’s theory is that it provides a framework for understanding the deeply meaningful and impactful shifts that occur during spiritual emergencies. Rather than fearing the collapse of the ego, we can embrace it as an opportunity for expansion, innovation and evolution on this journey of life moving us towards greater self-awareness and wholeness.

Although I felt alone through a lot of this (especially at the beginning), although it was challenging, scary, and very disorienting, I always had a guiding loving force encouraging me to continue to process and move through it. This force has guided me through a winding path, one that is uniquely my own, with many lessons and gems along the way. I am so grateful for all of my life experiences including the difficult and painful ones as they have shaped who I am and have made it very clear why I am here and who I am here to serve. Thank you! Thank You! Thank you! Love you! Love you! Love you!

Image of a 30x30 acrylic abstract painting titled “cracked” that I completed in 2010 as a necessary preliminary processing and healing step on this journey.